Thoughts on Watchmen (it's bad)

So, I expected something a bit more grandiose, something astounding. I expected compelling characters, amazing camera work, crazy plot twists, and of course some wicked action scenes.

Instead, I was treated to several shots of glowing blue penises, CGI that made my eyebrow twitch, random-ass slow motion, retarded camera work, and boning. Oh, the boning.
It seems all progression was founded on the boning. Or rather, was thrown out in favor of the boning.

Also, if you even remotely become attached to a character, they will die. It's ok, there's only one of them, but he's the only reason you stay in the theatre, so it feels like a waste at the end.
Furthermore, think a character's a total douche? It's ok, he's the bad guy. Didn't see it coming? I suppose that makes you a retard.

I'm really disappointed. I mean, this was supposed to be it. This was supposed to be the greatest comic-book movie ever. This was suppose to at least be on a level near Dark Knight, but it wasn't. I mean, it wasn't Street Fighter-bad, where fans cringe at the thought of it, the ads looked fantastic, and made me hope for something much better, but unfortunately the final product made me wish I had sat at home with a bag of Doritos and the graphic novel...

Take it away, Mikey.
Let me first say, I am a Watchmen fan. I read the book years ago, and since then i've re-read it, analyzed it, thought about it more than any other comic I've ever read. I. LOVE. WATCHMEN. And this movie? This film, that people claim is a faithful adaptation of the book? I hate it.
The book is packed with subtlety, metaphor, and deep, intriguing characterizations. Forgive me if this sounds like fanboy wankery, but the book is nothing short of brilliant. The movie is not. All the characterization has been thrown out in favor of slow-motion sex with bad music. Gone is metaphor, torn from its throne by "stylishness". The ending has been changed. Instead of a big, tragic commentary on the price of peace and the horrors inherent in losing your humanity, it is instead a poorly-explained conspiracy that teabags you from left field.
The characters' motivations are poorly explained, since most of their backstory has been raped by slowmotion kungfu. Have you read the book? No? Then good luck figuring out the significance of The New Frontiersman. Also, have fun trying to figure out the importance of Rorschach's mask. Nothing is said about it in the movie. Did you have trouble connecting with the dead people in New York? That's probably because their whole story was cut out.
The sex is there purely to show titties, rather than make a point about the characters. None of the characters make it out safe. Every character is damaged by the adaptation. And what the hell was the point of making Adrian gay?

In short, fuck you Zak Snyder. Fuck you and your stupid stupid movie. I hope Allen Moore haunts your dreams.

Curse you, Capcom

Hey, the newest RE5 Trailer is up, and I really want to watch it. Wait, The Feed over at G4 decided to put a major spoiler alert on it.

Piss, now I can't watch it. I mean, there's no way...
Not even a little.

Well, ok.

Wait, No, I can't do it. What if it's Nemesis? What if you have to fight Nemesis?A Non-Polygon, High Definition Nemesis. In surround sound. In the dark. Do I really want to ruin that? I mean, if I'm expecting it, the subsequent running for my life will be a whole lot less realistic, you know, due to the lack of urine in my pants.

Oh, crap, I just saw the comments section. Now I'm frustrated and confused.
Was that the surprise? Was that the "OMGWTFBBQ reveal tease at the end"?
I can't watch it, I have to play it myself!
Why do you do these things to me, Capcom!?

When you put out the Warthog, I'll be impressed.

Holy crap. Holy crap. Did you see that? On TV.
That Lexus that almost hit the truck and then it went in slomo and the people pushed it back and blahblahblah. IT HAD A HUD.
Not a HOOD, for my barely literate readers. It had a HUD, or rather a Heads-Up Display. Somebody designing cars was sitting at home playing Halo and then suddenly thought... "Man, if only real cars had one of these... Wait a minute..."
And on Monday morning, he was considered a visionary.
Now when can I expect a Ghost in my driveway?

I, Robot (am a douchebag)

I want computers to be sentient.
I really do.

Not for the convenience. Not because I want the scifi future we've been raised with to become a reality. No. I want it so that when I scream obscenities at my computer, it will take it personally. When I scream "LOAD! LOAD, YOU SON OF A BITCH!", I want my computer to respond with "Sorry, please don't bring the hose out again."

I want my computer to fear me.
Also, proprietary software is bad. That is all.

It isn't that I don't like Rick Springfield...

I mean it, Songbird, but it's not the only music I want to sync to my Ipod. There's a whole lot more music to listen to, and when it shows me that a song is there and skips past it because it's only a phantom-file or whatever, it makes me kinda angry. You're a great person, and I mean that, it's just that I think you need to work on some of your issues before we start a serious relationship. I just... I need more than this. ("This" being Rick Springfield's greatest hits.) I mean, it's not you, it's me, I guess I'm just not ready to leave Firefox. Firefox has been good to me, and maybe gtkpod isn't the most pretty application, but at least I get the support I need. Gtkpod's never dropped a song on me, and even though you can find me concerts, it's just nice to have the ability to accurately measure the amount of space left on my Ipod. I hope you can understand that, Songbird, I really do.

I'd like you to meet my good friend, Mr. Songbird

Have you ever sat up at night thinking "Hmm... I sure do wish there was an iTunes-like program available to Linux systems that didn't look retarded."?
Have you ever thought "I wish Firefox played music..."?
Well, it doesn't matter, you're a freak either way.

To those of you who didn't plague your lives with such things, may I introduce Songbird, it's what those nerds wanted, but don't get because they smell funny. It's essentially what happens when Firefox and iTunes have an adorable multi-use baby that has the potential to eventually put them both to shame. If Songbird just gets a plug-in to run MSN messenger, it will have effectively removed my need for 4 programs from my computer.
(The only 4 I use: pidgin, Firefox, rhythmbox, and gtkpod)
It's available for Windows, Linux, and Mac.
Oh, and did I mention it can find concerts in your area?
On a related note, who wants to go see Kutless, Disciple, and Stellar Kart next month?

Damn you, Christian Bale.

Damn you.
Damn you for being the best actor to portray Batman ever.
Damn you for having such fantastic hair, which distracted me during Batman Begins.*
Damn you for making me relate to Bruce Wayne more than any other character ever.
Damn you for fitting the role better than anyone, including Clooney or Kilmer.
Damn you for reinventing Batman.
and Damn you for making me love you, you son-of-a-bitch.

I suppose that brings me to my actual post.
Over the past 2-3 days I've watched every Batman movie made in the past 20 years.
Well, every live-action one, which boils down to:

• Batman
• Batman Forever
• Batman and Robin
• Batman Begins
• The Dark Knight (Well, not really, I watched it about a week back, so I think it counts.)

After a heated conversation with my Mother as to who played the better Joker *coughHeathLedgercough*, I realized that maybe both Nicholson's and Ledger's performances were equally good and that they were merely products of different generation's interpretations of the story.
Then I realized that The Dark Knight actually matches up with the storyline of the comic, and furthermore ACTUALLY MAKES SENSE.
The Joker isn't a product of an angry mob leader who falls into the bizarre and fantastical Chemical X. (I don't remember if they named the chemical in the movie, they may have, my head was in my hands as I muttered "This is terrible. This is terrible. This is terrible." until it was over, so I don't remember.) The Joker was just a guy. Who the hell was he? We don't know. There was no backstory. He was Batman's foil. The Joker had as much commonly-known backstory as Batman to the average Gotham citizen. Essentially, he WAS Batman, if Bruce Wayne had just lost his mind and killed the dude that murdered his parents, allowing himself to succumb to revenge, like he warned Robin of doing in Batman Forever.
So, quick recap:

• Batman - Terrible
• Batman Forever - Actually pretty good, but you have to rationalize all questions you have on the reasonability of the storyline with "Because he's Batman"
• Batman and Robin - Not too bad, actually. The aesthetic was kinda cool and the story wasn't too far from the comic. Also, Uma Thurman. End of discussion.
• Batman Begins - First time I've watched it, ironically. All I can say is this:

YES. YES. HELL YES.

In fact, I liked Batman Begins better than The Dark Knight. Dunno why, that just seems to be how it goes.

Anyways, catch you later, boys and girls,
-Badwick

*Keaton had hair that distracted me, too. That's because he had a Jew-Fro...
Bruce Wayne DOES NOT have a Jew-Fro.

[Edit 1/25/09: Wait, wasn't there one with The Penguin and Catwoman? Crap, so NEARLY every Batman movie.]