Saturday, March 7, 2009

Thoughts on Watchmen (it's bad)

So, I expected something a bit more grandiose, something astounding. I expected compelling characters, amazing camera work, crazy plot twists, and of course some wicked action scenes.

Instead, I was treated to several shots of glowing blue penises, CGI that made my eyebrow twitch, random-ass slow motion, retarded camera work, and boning. Oh, the boning.
It seems all progression was founded on the boning. Or rather, was thrown out in favor of the boning.

Also, if you even remotely become attached to a character, they will die. It's ok, there's only one of them, but he's the only reason you stay in the theatre, so it feels like a waste at the end.
Furthermore, think a character's a total douche? It's ok, he's the bad guy. Didn't see it coming? I suppose that makes you a retard.

I'm really disappointed. I mean, this was supposed to be it. This was supposed to be the greatest comic-book movie ever. This was suppose to at least be on a level near Dark Knight, but it wasn't. I mean, it wasn't Street Fighter-bad, where fans cringe at the thought of it, the ads looked fantastic, and made me hope for something much better, but unfortunately the final product made me wish I had sat at home with a bag of Doritos and the graphic novel...

Take it away, Mikey.
Let me first say, I am a Watchmen fan. I read the book years ago, and since then i've re-read it, analyzed it, thought about it more than any other comic I've ever read. I. LOVE. WATCHMEN. And this movie? This film, that people claim is a faithful adaptation of the book? I hate it.
The book is packed with subtlety, metaphor, and deep, intriguing characterizations. Forgive me if this sounds like fanboy wankery, but the book is nothing short of brilliant. The movie is not. All the characterization has been thrown out in favor of slow-motion sex with bad music. Gone is metaphor, torn from its throne by "stylishness". The ending has been changed. Instead of a big, tragic commentary on the price of peace and the horrors inherent in losing your humanity, it is instead a poorly-explained conspiracy that teabags you from left field.
The characters' motivations are poorly explained, since most of their backstory has been raped by slowmotion kungfu. Have you read the book? No? Then good luck figuring out the significance of The New Frontiersman. Also, have fun trying to figure out the importance of Rorschach's mask. Nothing is said about it in the movie. Did you have trouble connecting with the dead people in New York? That's probably because their whole story was cut out.
The sex is there purely to show titties, rather than make a point about the characters. None of the characters make it out safe. Every character is damaged by the adaptation. And what the hell was the point of making Adrian gay?

In short, fuck you Zak Snyder. Fuck you and your stupid stupid movie. I hope Allen Moore haunts your dreams.

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